sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
