I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
