someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
