the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
