Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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