We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
