If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Randomize
