I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
