i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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