why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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