oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
