somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
