I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
