CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
