It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
