why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
