I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
