I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
