Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
