Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
