theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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