dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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