As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
