Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
