You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
