They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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