she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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