I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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