4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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