drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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