So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
