So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
