One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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