$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I think I just sharted jello shots
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
