4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
