I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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