My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
