Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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