i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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