Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
