The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
