I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
