4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
