watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
