and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
