I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
