if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
