you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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