Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
