gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
